Sober open mic - adventures in anxiety.

I have decided to go to open mic at the pub - tonight - its day 5 only.. what the hell am I doing!???? 

Usually when trying ( and failing) to quit drinking I avoid any sort of social occasion knowing that I will feel uncomfortable, anxious or bored - generally all three of the above and therefore hot foot it to the bar quick smart to down my weight in red wine and possibly a few tequila or jager bombs if old faithful ain't doing the trick.  

Sometimes .. well often. I pre drink, usually a bottle before going anywhere.

 Ive pre drunk before meetings and outings and even job interviews! I don’t know how I managed to land a job as a commis chef after downing a couple of cans of 8% larger minutes before meeting the head chef. 

I wonder if his sense of smell ( and judgment) was clouded from all of the strong kitchen aromas or perhaps he thought he might like some entertainment to liven up his long hot shifts and thought this blithering idiot swaying on her stool and declaring to be the best amateur chef in the world was just the ticket.

 I’ll never know! Because of course You cant ask that can you…

“ Excuse me mr boss man, thanks for hiring me but you do know that I was off my face drunk don’t you?… I mean ... you must have smelt it? No? Well how about when I informed you of my past position as a table dancer and offered to show you some moves…”

Well… Yes. Enough said.

So anyway I have decided to go to open mic.

I am not going to drink booze!!!

I’m not i’m not i’m not.

Im not going to sing either ( thats waaaaaay out of my comfort zone right now.)

What Im going to do is take my camera and photograph people. I am an aspiring photographer and i’ve never really been sober enough to get any good shots at social events before. So this is not only a way to keep my self occupied and less anxious but will also give me a reason for being there and a reason to chat to people annnnnnd be productive and good for future networking etc.. I hope! ( eek)

I am pretty worried that the drink demon will take over .. but I have to start putting myself in these situations or I never will.

God i'm nervous!!! Wish me luck...

I think i'm going to need it! 
will update!

#tequilastoppingbird 

Give up alcohol you say? Stop drinking the booze? Ok lets do this!

Binge drinking. Anxiety . Motherhood . The pursuit of happiness

 Is it possible to decline the wine?      

Today is day one. The first day of the rest of of my life….?

I wonder if I can do this? I want it, I need it, but am I strong enough? I hope so.

I want to be overflowing with positivity. I want to tell the world, facebook followers, family, friends and foes, “ Hey guys, guess what… I’m giving up the booze!  No drinks for me, nooo sireee, never again! Pass me that wine glass and fill it, thats it top that glass right up kind Sir,  but with your finest Pepsi max! Thats the stuff” ;-)

I want to grin in the face of disbelief and throw my head back and chuckle at doubting Thomas and his gossipy pals. To smile a secret knowing smile and think just you wait , just you watch… 

Unfortunately the thing is…

1. I know me. 

2. I like to be honest. 

And declaring to one and all that I am forever parting from my beloved partner in crime, giving my wine the big heave ho… for good… for ever and ever Amen, may actually be a bit like setting up for failure and not being fully honest with myself. I mean i’ve been drinking since I was 14.

Oh I completely intend to try my very best and I will. I did dry January and actually found it surprisingly easy. Probably due to the amount of noxious liquid I guzzled in the festive period 

- Didn’t you know Christmas isn’t Christmas if you haven’t either snogged a decidedly looking dodgy Santa holding a can of special brew, got chucked out of a pub for trying to do a xmas strip on the bar when Santa baby comes on or aggressively and loudly declared everyone in a karaoke bar a bunch of ***** because they are not paying enough attention to your shit rendition of a well known xmas song - 

Apparently I am a culprit of all 3 and many more joyous inebriated yule time occasions which thankfully I can not remember… but my poor, put upon friends can.

Anyway I digress. Yes I drank so much in December that my pudgy pickled body couldn’t actually take any more and was screaming at me for some kind of mercy!. So dry January was a much needed booze free break. However shortly after January 31st. 

Well the 1st Feb to be exact I poured myself a glass of red and soon fell back into my usual routine. It began with just a mini bottle then 2 of an eve then 3 and by two weeks in I was back to a bottle  of red wine most nights and binge drinking on nights out.

Not only has this affected my health, mind / body /productiveness / work and ability to be the best mum I can but I have gotten into a lot of trouble in the past. I am a warm hearted, nice, friendly and i’d like to think generally good person, my evil blackout twin on the other hand is not a nice lady- but thats another story, many other stories in fact!

Basically I am going to try my best, to really try which actually is rather scary. I wonder who I am without the booze its been such a part of my life for so long, I would never have said I am an alcoholic but defo a big ole binge drinker and also self medicate for anxiety and such. 

So I will tell my close friends and family that I am trying to give up, that it will be hard for me and to please not suggest shots or encourage me to drink. I already know some will be supportive and some just will not understand. But hey thats life for ya! 

I will not, for the time being share my quest for sobriety with a wider circle of acquaintances.  I will quietly and hopefully as time goes on - confidently decline the wine. 

 I will try to be social, try to overcome the anxiety I feel when faced with people and the dreaded evil that is sober small talk. I will work on my many creative endeavours. I will spend more quality time with my daughter and I will start to clear my mind as well as my house ( this magpie needs to declutter!!)

My aim is to generally become a better person inside and out. To be confident in myself and enjoy the wonder of the world, laugh, smile, talk, explore, dream, help, have fun - sober.   And if I fall, I just need to get up again and carry on.

I wonder if I can do this? I am reminded of book I used to read to my daughter. The little engine that could.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..  wooooooo! Woooooo! 

Here I go, wish me luck!!! 

#tequilastoppingbird

The drink demon whispered

The end of  day one of sobriety

It's the end of day one
I'm lying in bed.
Few thoughts of alcohol dance in my head.
Positive thinking  helped me get through the day
I am not sozzeld I am happy to say
The demon was lurking whispering
 "only the one"
Go on it won't hurt.. oh it'll be fun.'
He claims no-one would know, that it would be fine
But his temptation, I did firmly decline
...so I settled for drinking coke with a very long straw ( even after trapping my finger in the kitchen drawer.. a testing time you'll agree I'm sure) 🙄🤣

Love me a crap poem hehe! Day one done! Me 1 Booze 0. 😀 Kitchen drawer 1 finger 0 😭 — feeling positive if a little ouchy!.